I'm halfway home now
half hoping
for a showdown
'cause I'm not big enough
to house this crowd
it might destroy me
btu I'd sacrifice my body
if it meant I'd get the jack part out




Ich habe den folgenden Text auf www.schwarze-rose.de gefunden und habe nicht vor, gegen irgendwelche Urheberrecht (falls es in diesem Fall so etwas gibt) zu verstoßen, falls also jemand was dagegen hat, dass es hier steht, der soll sich kurz melden und ich lösch es wieder. Ich hab es gelesen und fast geheult. Dann hab ich beschlossen, dass ich es weiter tragen möche, und hab in Englisch ein Referat über Andy gehalten. Ich weiß nicht, inwiefern ihn das verletzt hätte, aber ich kann versichern, dass ich mich keineswegs über ihn lustig gemacht habe. Ich habe Andrew nie kennen gelernt, weiß also nichts von ihm außer dem, was in seinen Beiträgen steht.

















Being suicidal

09.10.1996

I am very suicidal and plan on killing myself this weekend. I bought a shotgun yesterday, so now I have everything I need to finally end this never ending depression. It's quite pathetic how easy it is to walk into a store and buy a gun.

I really don't know why I feel the way I do. If there is a God, why would he make me suffer so much continuous pain for all these years. I have really tried to deal with this discomfort and agony for some time, but I find myself not happy at all. I am very good at disguising my feelings, and making those around me think everything is okay, but it's hard to fool myself. When people hear of my death come next week, I'm sure there will be a lot of surprise, but no one can really identify with the feelings of a suicidal person. I have so many feelings running through my head, and they all lead to suicide. I haven't been truly happy for some time now, and the only thing that makes me feel better is the thought of dying.

I really feel bad for those who love me, because I know my actions are going to hurt them so badly. They might never fully recover from it. I wish there was something I could do, but they don't have to live my life, and therefore they can't relate to the pain I feel everday of my life. All I can do is leave a suicide note, trying to explain my feelings the best I know how, and I hope people can understand that I killed myself not to hurt anyone else, but to give myself the peace of mind that I so desperately need to have.

I really like this site, because at least I know there are others out there who feel similar to me. Sometimes I feel so alone, but I feel a little better reading other people's posts. Although it doesn't change the way I feel about ending my life, I have enjoyed reading other people's thoughts( at least the one's who don't put down others and respect the feelings of those who choose to be suicidal).

Anyways, I probably won't be sending any more messages, and come Monday morning, I will no longer be around. I just hope that whatever lies beyond is a brighter and better world.

Andy


Here`s a scary thought

12.10.1996

I was just doing some thinking and came across something that really put the fear into me. Just imagine if there was no way of killing yourself. Think if you had to live your life to its duration and endure the pain without having any say in the matter. If I didn't have a shotgun to do myself in, or there weren't any other surefire methods, I think I would definately go crazy, which is basically how I feel now, anyways. I just feel so relieved knowing I can do something about it.

Sometimes I feel like this is all just a dream. All 26 years of my life have just been one long dream, and I'm not crazy and don't really feel depression. Could it really be? Is everything that goes on around me not really happening? Do we really exist? I am so confused and need escape in the worst way. I can't wait until tomorrow, when I can just put an end to all of this. People will be hurt by my loss, but they really don't have a clue as to the world as seen behind my eyes. I almost feel like I'm from another planet, and have been mistakenly been put on earth. Everything seems so real, and yet it doesn't. I hope God can understand what I'm about to do, because I can no longer make sense out of my own life, and all I do is walk around in a fog. I don't think that is living.

Well, just thought I'd share some thoughts with you all, as I prepare for death.



Thoughts of daying

12.10.1996

Although I am faily close to death, I still have fears. Even though I hate the life I live with such a passion, to pull the trigger seems so difficult. But it must be done, so it will be. I think I am more frightened about what lies beyond, whether it is something even worse than what life is. I don't know anymore. I'm all out of answers. But when everyday is like a living nightmare, it's awfully hard to gather the courage to go on. Even though my dying will hurt people, I feel like I will have the peace of mind that eludes me here.

I have chosen shotgun to do myself in, because, frankly, I am not very good at dealing with pain, and I figure that a shot to the head is the fastest method available. It's not like there is any methods of suicide that are good ones. They all have their drawbacks. Suicide isn't easy. I'm just glad I was able to research it on the computer, because I was set to take pills or slit my wrists, and obviously we all know how bad a choice either of those would be. I need results, and I am confident I have chosen the method to assure them.

I will just have to psyche myself up for one second's worth of action, and it will all be over hopefully. Sometimes I feel like I am doomed to live this life and no matter what method of suicide I try, it will fail. And that really scares me. If I can't kill myself using a shotgun, then I'm really screwed, because I'll be a vegetable no doubt. I think the percentages are in my favor, however, and death should be achieved. I just hope it's instantaneous.


I`m so scared

13.10.1996

I was just outside for about an hour trying to make myself pull the trigger, and I just couldn't do it. But I need to do it, and have to get the courage to somehow go through with it. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I got out there, put the gun in my mouth and just couldn't do it. I am so scared to die, but also to live. I think I will try to relax tonight and try again tomorrow, although I know tomorrow I will feel the same fears as I do now. I just hope by tomorrow night, I can do it. I just need to calm down, think about it some more, and tomorrow, I will hopefully have the answers.

I planned this so perfectly and now, I am having a hard time dealing. Why can't this be easier. When I first tried suicide, I didn't seem to have this fear. Maybe it's the gun. I don't know. I need to gather myself. I can't believe all of this is happening. I could be dead right now if I had the courage to pull the trigger.

I just need to think this over to make sure there are no second thoughts.

I must do it



14.10.1996

Although I didn't pull the trigger last night, nothing is getting better. I can't sleep and am sending this post at 5 in the morning. I feel my life crumbling away and I can't deal with what my life is. I think I fear what will happen to me when I die, and it scares me.

I really hope I can just end it tomorrow, because I am going more crazy as each minute passes. It's almost like my brain will not let me pull the trigger. It knows that the end would be reached. Something I so desperately want, yet am having such difficulties in achieving.

I can't go on living just for the sake of living. There has to be more. There has to be some worth to your life. And I don't see any. I just have to get stronger, and do what I have to do. All my pain will be over.

This is tearing my insides so badly. Either way, I am doomed. Even if there is a hell and I go there, my life has become a living hell, and is so unbearable. I am so focused, yet so confused and scared. When am I going to wake up from this bad dream I call life?

This is something I must do myself, unfortunately. No one can pull the trigger for me. If I really want it to happen, then it will. Must be strong.


Lost soul

14.10.1996

I don't even know why I post here anymore. I know all of my options, I've heard lots of support, and yet I think there will be a magical answer from someone to make all my pain go away. Unfortunately, there isn't, and I must be adult enough to deal with this on my own, one way or the other.

I hope that I never post here again, because that would mean that I have gone through with everything finally. If I find myself typing another pathetic cry for help, then it means that I am condemned to live a life of shit and probably be in mental wards my whole life. I'll never have the peace of mind, and I might as well be dead. What's worse? To be dead or to live dead?

It's just so strange, because there are so many people in this world, and yet I feel like I am all by myself in how I feel. It would almost make me feel better if everyone felt the way I did, at least then, I wouldn't feel so alone and scared. But I must gather myself, relax, and simply pull the trigger. It can be done.

No matter what happens, I hope God can forgive me, and I hope he understands that I am in such constant pain and confusion to the point where life is so unbearable. Would he really want this? I believe everything happens for a reason, but I'm not so certain anymore. I'm not certain of anything. I don't have a grasp on anything and that scares the hell out of me.

I have always felt so different my whole life, but for some reason continued on living, confused, yet continued to live. I have tried to kill myself once, and now I feel like I have to do it again. I have thought this out for years now, I guess, and unfortunately everything points in one direction.

One thing to remember in life: You can fool others, but you can't fool yourself. And I can no longer fool myself. It's too hard.

I hope everyone can find help in their own lives, because I certainly don't recommend suicide to anyone, unless they really feel as though there is no other option. Everyone has choices in life, and can do whatever they want.

Andy
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